Let my start by saying an apology because I am running and going back in this blog only when I am distressed which explains my current situation. Like your BFF with too many social life, I know I will be leaving this blog again when the swirls of busy life and adulthood attacks me again. I may not be touching this blog again when I will be truly happy.
Let's start with this pandemic that forces us to stay at home. Living in a rented house for 24 years, I realized that 6 people in a small square lot is starting to be not enough for the family. I tried to get away, but my parents, particularly my mother, wouldn't let me have my own apartment and finds a LOT of ways to keep me pinned in their home. Losing your sense of autonomy at age 24 is possible in Filipino households.
It is disappointing that my parents both live in a constant state of denial that we are fine. Imagine living with somebody with a delusion that we have enough when in reality I am supporting the family's needs ever since I am in college. YES, I pay my tuition and support myself when I was young. I am starting to believe I am a "black sheep", but then I remember how much pain I have gotten because I am shouldering responsibilities I shouldn't have when I was a teenager.
I have been borrowing spaces ever since the pandemic started. We tried an kinder room that no one uses for the past months. Right now, I am in the front porch of somebody's house. It is indeed embarrassing to borrow a little space for somebody else just to keep my job afloat, but I have no choice.
My boyfriend and I are having a good relationship, I swear. We keep each other's backs, and we constantly talk via video calls or seeing each other personally (with face masks, of course). He is the only thing that keeps me calm; otherwise if I am single I will be wallowing in my own emotions and probably just going to cry in the corner.
The only thing that keeps me emotionally stable, my mom hates. He dislikes my boyfriend, despite him bringing some small gifts or food everytime he visits. She eats his gifts, but dislikes him at the same time. I am horrified at my mother's behavior a lot of times, but what I cannot tolerate is being an ingrate. No thank yous. No pat on the back. Just vile comments like, "why don't you find someone else" and other spiteful comments that my boyfriend didn't know until recently.
My life is falling apart and I am abhorred by my lack of sense of autonomy. I am starting to build a life long grudge with my parents, that I know even time won't heal.
